*woot*

...I ran 6km's in 34 minutes on Saturday and cried when I had finished!

Im still sore now....but man I love the pain

bg

One step closer to being in control/

Apologies for such a while between posts but it has been a particularly testing week, ranging from rock bottom to sublime happiness.

This time last week I was sitting in front of my PC with tears in my eyes feeling like I was back at square one. I had started to return to some of my self destructive habits - comfort eating and sitting on my butt.

So what have I learnt from this? I have learnt that I am only human and yes, the road I tread will not always be a perfect one and that I cant punish myself for this but that I should pick myself up, dust myself down and keep going.

So that was the 'rock bottom'! How about the 'sublime happiness'?

Well, in fact there was more than one moment of this over the week.
The first came on Tuesday when I realised that for the first time in months I had had more than one day where I could honestly say that I had complete control over what I was eating and it felt empowering.

The second moment came just yesterday when I was on the treadmill and I reached what is known as 'the zone'. I have only ever experienced this once and for those who have not come across this term it is a state where mind/body are one and you feel like you can run forever and almost like it is no effort at all. Im finding it hard to describe this adequately but believe me, you will know if you find it : )
Also, I ran 5km in 30 mins with no walking breaks...I was dead chuffed (then straight into a weights circuit)...im hurting today but its a 'good' pain.

I have just started ramping up the training again as I have just got a gig to play Principal Cornet with Desford Band at the Masters in the UK near the end of May, hence I want to be in good physical form (as well as playing). The fitter I am in body the fitter I am in mind.

Thanks once again to Steve Ford for the encouragement and for reminding me of some of the reasons for writing this blog. Keep the comments coming guys, they help me so much on this sometimes lonely path.

Paula

Admitting I need a little help

As the first post in this blog said, the start of recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step is now admitting that I need some help.
I have decided to enlist the services of 'Glow - Womens Fitness Online'.

They provide programs that offer online training and support with individually taylored plans. Im looking forward to it as sometimes you can feel like the only person with a problem.
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Thanks to everybody again for all the great feedback, especially Andrew from Melbourne. Andrew, if you see this send me your email as I would really like to get in contact with you.
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I read a good article in a fitness mag recently about Muay Thai (Thai boxing) and how it was becoming really popular with women. I would really like to find a beginners class so if anybody can point me in the right direction I would greatly appreciate it.

Just a short post today but more tommorow...

BG

Not a good day.

Today has been a particularly difficult one.

As a throwback from my days of depression I need structure in my life.
I have had the last two days off work and although I get all excited about them before the event they end up usually knocking me off my perch as I lose that normal balance.
So I have been pretty down all day, and not even a run or swim helped me today.

This coupled with immense cravings for everything I shouldn't eat....oh and the lack of caffeine headache has just kicked in! Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I would love to know exactly what chemicals they put into some foods that can effect people in the way they effect me....I think I might look into it.

Ok...im better now

PS...the photo is just to remind me of just one of the reasons I'm doing this.

x bg

The aftermarth of a bodypump class...

I have nothing further to say!!!

Moving Beyond Instant Gratification

I am a bit of a health/fitness magazine junkie and recently found an extremely powerfully written article by Craig Harper in vol 14/4 of 'Womens Health and Fitness Australia'.
I just want to give you some of this article here titled 'Moving Beyond Instant Gratification'.

"Have you ever witnessed someone who is 'allegedly' trying to lose weight stuff themselves with junk food on a regular basis? Of course you have. We all have. Maybe that person was/is you.

There have been times in my life when that person was me...This is how the internal dialogue might go: "If I eat this (insert junk food of choice) right now, I will have instant pleasure...and I've had a crap day (here it comes) so I really deserve something yummy (rationalise, justify, make ourselves feel better about what we're about to do)...I'm 100kgs, so one more pizza is really no biggie. I can start my new diet (number 738) tomorrow (hey, what a great idea - pity we live in ground hog day where tomorrow never comes)...

I know today's lesson is a little heavy and that I have spoken bluntly, but I believe that this particular message is extremely important and relevant to the vast majority of us who are serious about living an amazing, rewarding and fulfilling life...We learn the best lessons when we ride the bumpy, sometimes painful, roller-coaster of life. A little short term pain for some long term gain. Until we move beyond our 'what's-in-it-for-me-right-now' mindset we will be forever trapped in a reality that we dont really want. Frustrated, unfulfilled and wasting our time and significant potential"

Just part of a fantastic article by Craig Harper.


Im really sore today from yesterday

xx bg

Thanks to all and 'Body Blitz'.

I started this blog with a little trepidation as I was unsure of the response I would receive but I would like to say a big thank you for all the positive feedback. Especially from Steve Ford and Marianna Barker...thanks guys (emails are on their way to you).

Body Blitz
Well today I started 'Body Blitz'. This is something that the is run through the 'Womens Health and Fitness' mag.
Basically it is 12 weeks in which to improve your body and fitness as much as you can. This is actually my third time of trying to do this thing so I believe that if I start out by posting my progress on here you guys and girls will give me your support along the way.
The biggest embarrassment over though...and that is having to go get the photos printed and picking them up from the till girl who just has to inspect everyone of them and hands them over with a pitying look in her eye (well, it might not have been pitying but I was feeling sorry for myself).

Here are my starting measurements:

Height: 161cm
Weight: 87KG
Chest: 102cm (big!!but heh...im down from a 22G to a 18DD..lol)
Waist: 110cm
Calves: 44.5cm
Arms: 32cm
Thighs: 57cm
Hips: 122cm

Day 1 - Not so perfect but its a start.
I decided to kick this thing off with an uber gym sesh and now I feel all pumped and only deserving of a chokky bar (kidding).
I started off with some upper body weights (dumbbell presses, bicep curls, some over head thingies for triceps etc. etc. ), moved swiftly on to a bit of leg stuff with some weighted squats and then chucked in some ab work just for the hell of it. I would normally do my cardio stuff before weights but had read recently that it can actually be more beneficial sometimes to do weights first. After a 4km run on the treadmill I then jumped in the pool for 25 laps...oh man, I'm gonna hurt so much tomorrow.
I fell down by having a couple of handfuls of pringles and 2 pieces of white bread : )....oh well, we cant all be perfect.
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Confessions of a reformed dieter
I will leave you today with a quote from my favourite dieting books (well its more of a diary) by AJ Rochester and every time I read it I believe that she was actually living my life. If you life the sound of it you can get it here:


"Have you any idea what it feels like to have no control over how you live your life? To feel trapped in your habits?
To not want to know yourself so much that you eat and you eat and you eat until you feel so full and so sick and so disgusted with yourself that your mind is too busy loathing you to have any space left to think about what is really bothering you? Well, I do know what that is life, because that is my life."

Sweet dreams

xbg

The start of recovery...accepting I have a problem.

To summarize this blog I want to show you some photos.
November 2006, 161cm (short arse), 115KG (large arse)...














March 2008, 161cm, 87KG...on my way!













I post these photos not because I have reached my final goals but because it is a constant reminder to myself of all the destruction I have inflicted upon my body, and mind with for so many years.

This blog is about my path to changing - and saving - my life. It is about the journey I have travelled over the last year and a bit and the journey that I am yet to take.

If it takes for me to show the world - warts and all - my daily struggles and that inspires just one other person to make changes to help themselves and learn to love the one life (and body) they have then this would all be worth it.

Also, apologies to non musicians but I want to also talk about how these changes have impacted upon my performance (being a brass musician).

So....I got fat. How did that happen?
I've always been a 'bigger' girl and first attended weight watchers when I was 14. My mum told me through my childhood that I 'I would always struggle with my weight', and I suppose that if something is said enough then you eventually believe or except it as the truth.
To cut a long story short I have always excelled in replacing one destructive habit with another. Weather it be the 'pokies' (arcade machines), the 'biggie'...depression, and then moving onto food.
You could say that I didn't really like myself much couldnt you!!!

Moving swiftly on we get to October/November 2006 and my that point I pretty much hate myself...all 115KG of me (18.1 stone) and I'm now getting sick. Getting sick with things normally reserved for the elderly and at an impressive 26 years old! Then chuck into the mix being on the brink of diabetes (I'm not really sure how I didn't get it in fact).

My close friend Jason K suggested that it was really time to sort myself out so I dragged my sorry self to the gym and to my first personal trainer, Sally Aitcherson. Then my life started to change.

Baby steps.
Wow! Ive just had a great session in the gym, now its ok to reward myself and find the nearest 'purveyor of fried foods'.
I have failed so many times I figured that it was probably better to make one change at a time time rather than going cold turkey. In fact I have coined a term for myself as being 'fat but fit' as I have always found the exercise thing a walk in the park compared to the control of food.

At about the time I started visiting the gym it also coincided with a month off of playing (cornet). The truly amazing thing for me was that after the time off I was immediately able to play for double the phrase length than I could previously.

Gym Nazi.
My PT Sally decided to leave after I had been with her a few months (I don't think I drove her to it!) and I got a new PT, Amanda Minelle (or more affectionately known as the Gym Nazi, Gym Bitch and various other versions on a theme). I want to say a big public thank you to both these awesome girls. Amanda has given me more than she could imagine, not just with the training, but in terms of my self respect and using 'tough love' (her term not mine..lol) i.e when training, that's what we do. No dwelling on other problems in your life. Works for me. By the time you've finished those problems don't seem quite as bad as they did when you started.

I make a promise here and now to be truthful with you about my progress.
What's written above is only scratching the surface and I will delve into more as time goes on.

Lots of love

buglegirl xx